Secret Pals

Schools are strange places to work. I have taught at four different schools in nine years and each new school has a grocery list of traditions and characteristics that give it some sort of stamp of oddness. One tradition that I’ve seen at two of the four buildings I’ve worked is a Secret Pal program that’s put together by staff members near the holidays. Different schools have different names for it, but the essence of it remains the same. I have no idea if other places of work participate in these types of activities, as I have never been employed anywhere but at a school in the months of November and December. For instance, I have no idea if Microsoft employees excitedly draw names out of a hat come the week of Thanksgiving to see which colleague they will be lucky enough to spend the next few weeks buying meaningless gifts for. I like to think they do because I enjoy the image of the thrilling gift exchanges between software engineers and accountants, human resources and sales, reception and that weird guy over in the corner cubical whom no one can really even figure out what he does, let alone his title.

If no other businesses on the planet participate in such fabulous holiday traditions, I’ll give you a little background. Around Thanksgiving a very cheery, enthusiastic, and sometimes rather persuasive email goes out to all staff members in a school. The email will be guaranteed to contain more smiley faces and exclamation points than the World Texting Championships.

 “It’s that time of year again,” the message will inevitably begin, “when the social committee sponsors the Secret Pal program!” The first sentence always ends with the tell-tale exclamation point. The email will go on, “This wildly fun activity is a great way to greet, treat, and maybe even meet your coworkers!” Exclamation points continue to fly. “We’ll all get to know each other better while having a fabulous time J” About halfway through the email other facts will surface about the sure-fire fun that awaits all who join in. “Participation is purely optional,” the email will read, “but once you sign up the fun will never end! You will be randomly paired with a colleague who you will surprise with small gifts and goodies. Your name will also be shared with someone who will make your day with special surprises and treats! Your Secret Pal’s identity will be revealed with glee and celebration at the holiday staff party! As soon as your Secret Pal is assigned you can start making their day with special treats and goodies! Let the fun begin!:)!:)!:)!”  You get the idea.

Yeah, I tried this once my second year of teaching and the fun just didn’t quite match all the exclamation points and smileys. I wanted to make my gifts clever so it took a lot of time and I ended up spending too much on things I wasn’t sure if my Secret Pal really wanted. Most of the time, Secret Pal participants fill out a brief informational sheet about their likes and dislikes, allergies, and other important information, but still when giving gifts to people you don’t know sooner or later five perfectly good dollars will be spent on something that winds up in the trash by the end of the week. I always think it’s good to try anything at least one time, but you’re not going to find me slurping down more than one Rocky Mountain Oyster and one time through the joy of a Secret Pal experience was plenty for me.

In any case, when Secret Pal time rolled through my school this year, I declined to participate. What’s been different about this school from my past Secret Pal experience is the staff writes little thank you notes to their Pals on a whiteboard in the staff room. I’m not quite sure why, but I have been inexplicably drawn into these messages for the past couple of weeks. I actually look forward to seeing what new ones have been written on the board. There’s nothing spectacular about their writing quality, or anything, but what I think really captures my attention is the overwhelming sensation of fake enthusiasm I feel when I read them. Here are a couple of examples. “Hey, S.P.,” no one spells out Secret Pal, “thank you SO much for the peppermint scented candle!!!!! How did you know peppermint was my favorite scent this time of year? J ?” And another, “S.P., thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for the delicious and tasty granola! It is so yummy!”

After reading a daily dose of these things, half of me wants to go curl up with a litter of puppies while the other half is trying not to gag itself. That said, I feel just a twinge of disappointment that I chose not to participate because I don’t get to write the little messages, but I thought a really great way to mess with people would be to write enthusiastically fake thank you messages to a very fake, but exceptionally enthusiastic Secret Pal. Unfortunately, I’m not nearly brave enough to actually do this, but if I was it would go something like this.

Day One

Hey S.P., thank you so much for the set of reindeer dishtowels! Their saturation capacity seems limitless! I’m really looking forward to doing the dishes tonight! Hooray, hooray!!!!!!

Day Two

You outdid yourself today, S.P.!!!!!! I just love the set of Elvis Presley, James Dean, and Marilyn Monroe collector’s edition ornaments you found at Walgreen’s! I’ll always treasure them hanging on my tree, yay!!! J!!!

Day Three

Thanks, S.P., for the wonderfully delightful three live French hens!!!! How did you know I had such an affinity for chickens???? This is the cluckin’ greatest gift I could have ever received and, oh, the lovely irony of giving them on the third day! I’ll be sure to make scrambled eggs for breakfast tomorrow!!!!!!

Day Four

Hey S.P., thanks for the $100 bill! Now I’ll be able to buy chicken feed and some of the materials for the new coop!!! You’re the best, S.P.!!!

Day Five

 Holy cow, S.P.!!!!! Thanks for the delicious, organic, grain-fed side of beef!!!! My freezer will be full for a long time now thanks to you, S.P. Your generosity is astounding!!!!!!

Day Six

Wow, S.P., I have to say you let me down a little today. I mean, a peppermint scented candle? Come on! Where’s the other side of beef? Or, maybe a better question is, what’s your beef?

Day Seven

Okay, S.P., now we’re back on track here. Tickets to the Lusty Lady Club’s Champagne Room for a VIP experience of their show Christmas Lays might not have been something I would have bought for myself, but since you’re paying I suppose I’ll check it out. You’re back on top, S.P.!!!!!!! Um, er, figuratively speaking, of course.

Day Eight

Hey, S.P., thanks for the first-class plane tickets and accommodations for a weekend in Vegas!!!! Now I understand the prep assignment at the Lusty!!!!! You’re the greatest, S.P.!!!

Day Nine

S.P., thanks for the bail money. You were right, Clark County Jail wasn’t nearly as comfortable as the Luxor. I can tell you’ve always got my back, S.P.!!!!

Day Ten

Hey S.P., thanks for the Kindle Fire!!!! I have to say, after last weekend, I am happy to be getting this simple gift. You rock, S.P.!!!!

Day Eleven

Thanks, S.P., for the massive stock option!!!! You’re the bomb!!!!!

Day Twelve

Well, S.P., I’ll be retiring now. It’s too bad I’ll never know your true identity, but to be honest, I’ve always liked Batman more than Bruce Wayne anyway.

Oh, and Darla, yeah, I was your Secret Pal. Hope you enjoyed the bird nest ornament, pumpkin-scented candle, and mint Oreos. Man, did you draw poorly.